What I love about Asian culture is that it basically takes all of the things Western culture finds repulsive and says, “Okay, let’s start with that.”   Asian cuisine is no exception and when we Westerners think that the only reasonable solution is to discard the blood of our butchered animals, Asian cuisine says, “Don’t waste that, that’s good eating!”  And it is not just the food that is different, but their whole sense of being and what makes them tick seems to be different down to the very core.  And while you may already be thinking to yourself that my comments sound racist, please allow me to provide some evidence supporting my comments.

No, I do not have any clue what is going on in either video.

As a sign of how vastly different our cultures are, certain phrases refuse to translate with any coherence.  Like in this phrase, 肉包子打狗。, which the literal translation means “Hit a dog with a meat bun.”  Supposedly, the meaning is something like “Punishment is not as an effective incentive as reward.”  Regardless, I find the phrase “Hit a dog with a meat bun” vastly more intriguing and I want to see if I can work it into a conversation somehow.

If you still think I am racist, or at the very least, full of stereotypes, well, maybe you are correct.  But, I bet you did not notice that the videos were of Japanese folks and the idiom above was written in Chinese.  I do not mean to clump Asians together, because I understand there are grand distinctions between each culture.  However, to be frank, most of us do not know those differences, so I am not going to waste time here delineating between each Asian ethnicity.  My main point is just to say that I have a fascination with Asian cultures, especially their cuisine.  And that when it comes to culture and cuisine, us Westerners and those Easterners are about as far apart from each other as the, well, the East is from the West.

All of that to say, “I went to the Asian store today.”

That store being the Super G Mart in Charlotte, North Carolina.  If you thought like I did that the “G” in Super G Mart could only stand for “gangsta” you will be similarly disappointed.  The “G” is for Global, which makes a lot more sense, but makes it far less entertaining.

I have been to a fair share of Asian markets, usually on a quest to find some ingredient rare to us Westerners that we could never find in a “regular” store.  Then, I usually end up perusing all the mystical items you find in Asian stores, while my wife grows impatient, gives me the stare whilst dragging her feet across the floor with every belabored step.

Pork uteri.  Roasted eel.  Banana leaves.  Aloe Vera leaves.  Cactus.  Beef blood.  Bull’s testicles.  Snails.  Fresh Beef Heart (not that cheap imitator of not-so-fresh Beef Heart).

Who cannot get excited about seeing all of these strange and wondrous ingredients pulled from some land of fantasy?  My wife, that’s who.  Lucky for both of us, I was on a solo venture today.

I was kid on Christmas morning when I realized that frog legs were not even interesting enough to make it into my repository of photos, compared to all the other magical items floating around.  Whenever I find ingredients that I have not the faintest idea how to cook with, my creativity gets sparked at all of the countless possibilities and today I felt like I had found a pot of rather curious looking gold.  In case you were wondering,  Super G Mart also touts an array of spices, produce, live Tilapia, live blue crab, live lobster, as well as some more regular items like dish soap.

I was struck by the masses of fresh produce piled upon each other.

The place with the largest stash of fresh vegetables you can find outside of a commercial farmer’s crop is apparently the best place to also sell the latest in toilet technology.

I did not end up at the Super Gangsta Market just to window shop, instead I had a purpose in mind when I went shopping.  My wife will never believe that.  I went to get some food at their food court.  Okay, my wife will believe that.  Specifically, I went to go try the Red Bean Bun from Honey Buns.

But, of course, while I was contemplating how many to order, I was overtaken by that semi-savory, semi-putrid, semi-sweet aroma you find at most Asian eateries and knew I had to get more than just the Red Bean Bun.  My wife will definitely believe that one.  And, in my defense, any time I can order a food item for a dollar and it doesn’t come from the Taco Bell menu, I find myself more than just a little giddy.  It is my adult equivalent of finding out that a toy comes with my Happy Meal.  It was a treat I was not expecting.  And they had a whole menu full of Dim Sum priced items, which triggered me to buy basically everything on the menu.  Don’t judge me.

I am sucker for zongzi and as soon as my eyes wafted over that picture of sticky rice wrapped in bamboo leaves, I knew it had to be mine.  Like an over-excited John in a brothel I said, “That one.  Oh, and that one.  I might as well get that one too, since I am at it.”  But, once you see that bamboo leaf tied with that naughty little knot you too will be drawn in to find out the little secrets inside.

We all know that bamboo leaves are like the lingerie of food.  Whenever one is just a few inches from your face, you know that you’re day is going to get a whole lot better.  So, I unwrapped my little present and threw the ribbon, and the wrapping, on the ground so I could just stare for a few moments to let my lust awaken.

Aren’t you beautiful?  Well, I can’t give you all the details, but let’s just say that we had a great time together.  I was going to show you a picture of what was inside, but that would just be vulgar.  You have already seen her naked, what more do you want?

I found that I had stamina for more and moved on to the Sweet Rice Dim Sum.  Hmm, is that cardamom I taste?  Wait, no.  What is that wheat-like flavor?  I don’t know, who cares?  Shut up, and keep smashing your face into it.

And I can’t just let one of my all-time favorite dishes just walk around unmolested, so that is how I ended up guzzling down a BBQ Pork Bun next.  It certainly was not my favorite rendition of this delicious gift from above, but it sufficed.  But, you can probably skip over it when you order.

Next, it was time to take down some of Honey Buns’ infamous Red Bean Buns.  The doughy exterior hits you first with your chewy bite that has just a touch of sweetness in it.  As you descend further you reach the inner core where all the goodness resides.  I was not anticipating that this was actually a bun meant for dessert, but that’s okay because I was able to give into the moment.  Going back to how the East is different from the West, they take what we consider a savory ingredient, beans, and turn it into one of their flagship desserts.  “You make savory?  Okay we make dessert!”

The construction seems simple.  Soak some red beans, mix with sugar, some sort of fat, like butter, and blend.  While the process seems simple, the flavor is grand.  I am guessing Honey Buns came up with their name because there is a distinct flavor of clover honey mixed into these, which I am guessing makes them different from other places that make their own version.  You experience that distinct bean flavor when it first hits your tongue, but that is immediately replaced by an intense sweetness and you find yourself realizing this really is a dessert food item.  In all, it was tasty and I would eat it again.  And, again.  Okay, and again.

I tried some other items on the menu (of course) and here is my take on them:

They served a Xiao long bun which is basically a pot sticker in a bun.  But, pot stickers are already incredibly delicious and it is hard to see the rationalization in replacing that crispy exterior with a doughy ball.  Skip the Xiao long and wait for a time when you can eat a proper pot sticker.

The Pork Shumai was excellent.  It is moist.  It is porky.  You should eat it.

The Shrimp Dumplings were maybe my favorite item of the day, or at least in the near vicinity of the Red Bean Bun.  It is hard to go wrong with anything that comes with shrimp, but I don’t know, for some reason their version was one of the best I’ve had.

When you get a chance, I recommend trying out some items from Honey Buns, and you might as well pick up some interesting items like toilets, or bull’s balls while you’re there.