Nan and Byron are the names of the two vampires that own the restaurant, Nan and Byron’s in Charlotte, North Carolina.  Nan and Byron have not quite come-out-of-the-coffin yet, but I know they are vampires because vampires are the only creatures that could justify keeping a restaurant as dark as it is inside Nan and Byron’s.  The only other creatures of the night that I know are willing to work in pitch black darkness are strippers, cave divers, miners, cave diving miners, and rapists.

So that you may have some comprehension of how absurdly dark it is inside Nan and Byron’s, imagine walking under a single street light, if that street light were in the middle of the haunted forest.  As you can see the picture above, this is the brightest spot in the entire restaurant, because this is not only directly below their dimmed-to-one-watt overhead lighting, but it is also under the brightest candle I could locate.

As a side note, my apologies to Nan and Byron if I ruined/stole your coming-out moment, because I know that is a big moment in every vampire’s life, but I have an obligation to inform my readers.  All two of those of those readers.  Yes, I am one of them.  And yes, my wife is the other.  As long as she is not too busy.  And, only if, everything else she might think of doing is even more boring than reading my posts.

And the above photo is basically the best picture you are ever going to see of the inside of Nan and Byron’s because all light sources are strictly forbidden inside this establishment.  Well, that is not entirely true, because I did find this photo from their website.

But, did you notice something about this daylight photo?  There are no people inside!  I told you they were vampires.

I want you to know that I am not vampire-phobic.  I am not some backwoods non-progressive.  Some of my best friends are vampires.   I believe in tolerating and embracing diversity in every form.  I just want you to know what to expect when you visit their establishment.  And, that you should bring a flashlight.  And, maybe your own fork.  So that you can glue the flashlight to your fork.  I used my smartphone as a torch just to read the menu.  Seriously.

You will be happy to know that our blood sucking undead friends (sorry if that is not politically correct) did not try to create any sort of mortal blood bond with me while I dined there.  Even though they have strategically placed candles (the real wax kind, not the battery powered ones) around the restaurant like they are holding a seance, I want you to know that it is safe to feast here.  The only scary thing is how pleasantly surprised you will be when you try their food.

Cutting Board

I started off with their 3-item Cutting Board, choosing two cheeses (Chandoka, Barbers 1833 Reserve) and one meat (Spicy Sopressata).  Since my diet consists of mainly protein, I elected to take a bite of that Spicy Sopressata.

There’s a dance between that filmy experience your tongue has when first taking a bite of sausage, then the Sopressata hits you with smoky pepper, and then right when you ask yourselves, “Why do they call it spicy?” WHAM!  That latent spiciness makes significant contact with your tongue after the play has ended, but you move forward 15-yards because you just want more of it.  It pairs well with both the stone ground mustard, and/or the clover honey that is served alongside.

Next came a creamy, yet firm bite of Wisconsin’s LaClare Farms Chandoka cheddar cheese.  A fun little bite of mild cheese pasteurized from both a cow and goat’s milk–those naughty little cheesemakers.  While ivory in color, it carries a fruity flavor from the cow’s milk, with a tangy touch from crossbreeding with that naughty little goat’s milk.  Yes, it is delicious.

My favorite of the three had to be the Barbers 1833 Reserve.  While I can enjoy the soft caressing of the Chandoka, I prefer big bursts of flavor.  I want to feel a little bit of alarm at the boldness of what I put in my mouth.  The sharpness of the Barbers comes first, followed by a rich milky experience, and then lastly  comes a crunchy bite to blindside you with a salty punch (not a pinch) “that is a result of the natural development of calcium lactate crystals late in the ageing process.”  I found it pairs well with the clover honey because of contrast in sweet and salty.  Combining the Sopressata and Chandoka produces great results, but I would not pair the Sopressata with the Barbers because then the fury of flavors will feel like they are fighting in your mouth.  But, maybe you are into that kind of thing.

Once all the fun stuff is eaten from your cutting board you have the cracker-like, crispy bread still left to put down your gullet, which you should dunk it in the stone ground mustard, and then dunk it into the honey. And guess what?  Now you have honey mustard.  You’re welcome.

Pork Chop

I was glad to see that the pork chop was served medium rare, but that makes sense because vampires are note afraid of a little blood.  And neither should you.  While I thought the bloody pork chop could use one more sprinkling of salt, the sear was amazing.  Visually, overall I am sure the dish was a beauty, BUT I CAN’T FREAKING SEE ANYTHING BECAUSE IT IS SO DARK IN HERE!

The 9-ounce pork chop comes with cheddar grits, caramelized pineapple, fried jalapenos, and a bourbon mustard glaze.  The cheddar grits are creamy with just enough of a touch of cheddar cheese to take away the fact you are eating grits.  Don’t get me wrong I love grits, as long as you douse them in anything other than grits, to give them flavor.  Do you you eat your grits with just water and grits?  No, you do not.  So, stop being so offended.  You pour on the butter just like everyone else.  You probably even use instant grits, you heathen.

I am not sure I am digging the honey mustard glaze underneath the grits.   Not because the glaze is not enjoyable, but because I would prefer to enjoy the grits on their own, without a competing mustard flavor.  The Fried Jalapeños are a surprising flavor gift, and might be my favorite item of the evening.  It comes with a crispy, flaky breading with a punch (not a pinch) of salt, which is followed by the natural spiciness of the jalapeño.  And, the caramelized pineapple gave a hint of that sweetness that always goes well with pork.

After all that wonderful food, I tried ordering a dessert, but the little bit of natural lighting disappeared when the sun went down, so I said, “Forget it!”  I was not about to purchase night vision goggles just so I could order dessert.

While Nan and Byron may have been unsuccessful in turning me into one of their vampiric progeny, they were successful turning me into a return customer, eager to try more things on the menu.  While I was afraid they might try to give me a love bite on the neck, the only love-biting that took place was the love I felt with each bite of food I consumed.  They may not have created a immortal blood bond with me, but they did create an immortal food bond with my tummy.  Immortal, because the are vampires.  Duh!  Everyone knows that.

All in all, I really enjoyed my dining experience and recommend trying this place out.  But, Nan and Byron, my dear undead dark lords, please turn on the lights!